Survivor Russia Episode 1

[Quentin Tarantino]

* Francesca, Kristina and Stephanie are flown in on three seperate helicopters to the campsite. Meanwhile, the excited contestants on the Zaranoff and Svedka tribes paddle their way in on the cold Russian waters*

Zaranoff


CURTIS (Confessional): I think people when they see me are simply going to think "Oh My God its Cochran 2.0". Good, I want them to think that anyway, Cochran wasn't even a good player! The more they underestimate me, the better.

AVGN ( Confessional): Many of my fans from youtube and cinemassacre.com ( ) had begged me to apply because apparently I would be awesome at survivor. Yeah I am great at virtual stuff but building fires and shelters and hunting wild boar in the middle of Russia?! I am already starting to regret this!

Svedka

OMAROSA (confessional)- I am honestly excited for a new challenge. People always say that I'm highstrung and not sociable. I came here to prove all of them wrong, including you Piers Morgan.

ANDYMAN(Confessional)- I applied to be on this show for one reason and one reason only. I want to see Amanda Kimmel come back as a returning player and I want to meet her and on the show we will make the end and I WILL marry her.


Jeff Probst- 15 castaways will be sent on the journey of a lifetime on the shores of Russia where they will face for the first time ever cold weather conditions and threatening animals such as the boar and bison. Which castaway will be able to Outwit, Outlast and Outplay all the rest?



* The Zaranoff and Svedka line up on their appropriately colored matts awaiting instruction from Jeff. The contestants are sizing up the players on their tribe and the opposing tribe*

Zaranoff:

- Alex- unemployed science teacher Pet Smart employee
- AVGN- Movie and video game critic
- Curtis- Graphic Design Major
-Damien- College Student
- Ryan- Lab Scientist
- Tara- Cartoon Voice Attress
- Storm- Singer and Song writer

Svedka:

Andyman- Creative writing major, Amanda Kimmel Fanatic
Brent- Gymnast and Stuntman
Kyle- Bartender, reformed alcoholic/drug addict
Marcel- Professional Chef
Mahsa- Ex-District Attorney
Omarosa- TV personality
Rose- Art Major
Vanessa- Professional Poker Player

Jeff Probst- Welcome to Survivor Russia! (YAY!!!!!). As I am sure some of you have noticed, several of these contestants you may seen before, perhaps on TV. Dare I say, maybe for not all the best reasons, I have a feeling that you Omarosa could be the most recognizable.




OMAROSA- Jeff please! Why do you have to single me out?! I was trying to go under an alias you just ruined my whole gameplan.

JEFF- Do you think your past reputation could come back to haunt you Omarosa?

OMAROSA- it could possibly if you don't shut the hell up about it. I have a lot to prove and really shouldn't because I already proved it.

JEFF- Fair enough! I'll stop picking on you Omarosa... for now! As I am sure some of you may have noticed that your tribes are uneven, there are 7 members on the Zaranoff tribe and 8 on Svedka. You may have also noticed that there are more men than women. Anyone care to speculate?

ANDYMAN- I do! I do!! I do!! It's because you're bringing back returning female players! One of which is GOING to be Amanda Kimmel, my future wife and the love of my life!

( Both tribes think he is joking and begin to laugh, Jeff Probst included)

ANDYMAN- Stop laughing!, I am serious. You are all jerks for laughing at me. She IS going to marry me, I know she will, it was meant to be!

JEFF- umm, yes well you all will find out right now who is returning! I can tell you that the 3 players returning are all some of the strongest and smartest women to play this game, but all 3 left this early before they had a chance to show what their made off. Let's bring them in!





Returning Players


Francesca



-Attorney, first one voted off Redemption Island, owned by Boston Rob

Kristina



- Law Student, Found idol Day 1 and attempted to blindside
Boston Rob. Only person whole season to try to beat him

Stephanie



- Screwed by Zapatera tribe throwing challenge deliberately to vote off Russell Hantz



JEFF- Francesca, Kristina and Stephanie!

ANDYMAN- Jeff and Mark Burnett you guys are so stupid Amanda deserves to come back again after that evil troll screwed her in Heroes Versus Villains I was supposed to make it to the end of the game with her and marry her like Boston Rob and Amber. YOU ALL HATE ME!!!!!

JEFF- ummm, ok let me ask someone besides Andy. Alex, what's your opinion on the returning castaways?

ALEX- I think any one of them would be a strong asset for our tribe and I have been looking forward to meeting Franchestqua for a very long time!



FRANCESCA- (oh no he didn't) UGHHH!!! I knew this was going to happen but I didn't think it would the very second I came in.

JEFF- HAHAHA! Obviously, since Zaranoff has only 7 members and Svedka having 8, Zaranoff will gain 2 members and Svedka will gain one member. To decide, reach into this bag for a Orange rock or a Green rock to decide your fates.

* The 3 women reach into the bag and simultaneously reveal the color of their rocks. Both Francesca and Kristina reveal an orange rock and Stephanie reveals a green one.

JEFF- Francesca and Kristina, it would seem fate meant for you 2 to be on the same tribe, both here and on Redemption Island! Please join the Zaranoff tribe and Stephanie please join the Svedka tribe.


* With no reward challenge to attend to, the 2 tribes trek home to their tribe camps to begin their 39 day adventure.*

[Quentin Tarantino]

*Back at Tribe Camps*

ZARANOFF

KRISTINA- Hey everyone, I promise I won't go hunting for the idol. Well not until a few days in maybe. I think we should start off by getting to know one another. My name is Kristina and I am Law school student, my main interest is in disabled children because I am a mother of one.


AVGN- Kristina that's very admirable. Well I suppose I'll go next. My name is James Rolfe, a lot of people know me as the Angry Video Game Nerd or AVGN. I make videos about old crappy video games and explain to people why the they suck so much.

ALEX- AVGN I've seen your videos they are awesome. My name is Alex and I am a certified Biology and Chemistry teacher from New York, I am currently unemployed however.

FRANCESCA- Why can't you find a job Alex?

ALEX- Governor Cuomo cut the education budget in New York. Right now my only chance of getting job is pulling a Timothy McVeigh at a Science Teacher Convention.... I am considering it.

STORM- Tough break Alex, my name's Storm Large, and yes that is my actual name. I'm a singer and a songwriter.




*AVGN can't stop staring at Storm's breasts*

KRISTINA- Storm can you sing us a song? maybe one of your own!

STORM LARGE- Allright I suppose I could, this song I wrote about myself



TARA- Storm that was a BEAUTIFUL song and you definitely have a BEAUTIFUL voice. My name is Tara, and I am a voice actress. I've done the voices of cartoons on Nickelodeon and Cartoon Network. (Timmy Turner) Like Timmy Turner from the Fairy odd parents!


CURTIS- I'd like to go next. My name is Curtis, I'm a Graphic Design Major and I want to point out that I am not John Cochran. I am not related to John Cochran and I am not anything like him other than the fact I look like I'm his identical twin.

KRISTINA- Allright! we believe you Curtis! So I'd say maybe we could go out in the water for a swim but since its the middle of Russia, I am thinking it may be a good idea to get a fire going.


SVEDKA TRIBE

OMAROSA- Hey guys! So everyone knows who I am apparently and if you didn't Jeff Probst made it ABUNDANTLY clear, so would anyone else like to introduce themselves

KYLE- Word, my name is Kyle, I'm a bartender and I used to be an alcoholic and drug addict, but I have been totally sober now for 1 day. Its awesome

MAHSA- Wow Kyle, nice to meet you and congratulations? My name is Mahsa I am an Ex-District attorney, I quit the job to be a part of the Apprentice. I used to prosecute drug offenders.

(Kyle nervously smiles)

MARCEL- I'll go next, my name is Marcel, I'm a chef trained in classical French cuisine. I competed on the show Top Chef and got 2nd place, I should have won it but the judges were assholes.

BRENT- Wow, some pretty smart people here. My name is Brent, I'm a stuntman and gymnast and all around athelete, I like rock climbing and free running and all kinds of sports really.

VANESSA- That's awesome! we'll kick ass in the challenges. By the way my name is Vanessa and I'm a professional poker player. So Brent, can you build us a shelter and Marcel you cook us some dinner?!

ANDYMAN- Hello, you guys are forgetting me! My name is Andy! I'm a creative writing major from Wisconsin. I am Amanda Kimmel's husband to be.

KYLE- uhhh yeah nice to meet you Andy! And I agree with Vanessa let's get going on the shelter and fire and stuff, we probably only have a few hours of daylight left


*Both tribes work on their shelters into the night, and initial bonds and first impressions form on the tribemates*

ZARANOFF

KRISTINA (confessional)- I have this suspicion that Francesca and myself could be in a lot of trouble. Survivor is sexist in ways, returning male contestants are usually looked at as an asset, Russell being a major exception, but I don't think we will be viewed that way.

AVGN is practically drooling over Storm building the shelter, and its obvious the men have bonded quite a bit.



DAMIEN(Confessional)- This tribe is awesome! Right now it seems like Ryan is the leader and I'm 2nd in command. Alex, Curtis and AVGN are like the brains to our brawn. Storm is like the coolest chick ever. I am so loving this game right now.


SVEDKA:


STEPHANIE(confessional)-We definitely have an interesting tribe. Brent is like the alpha male obviously. He's strong and handsome, we basically can't vote him out because of the challenges. But he is not strategist.

*Meanwhile, on their way to collecting water, Kyle, Stephanie and Vanessa...*



KYLE- Ladies, I gotta be honest, of all the crazy people on this tribe, myself included I think you would be the easiest to work with by far. You both seem smart and not bitches, like Omarosa and Mahsa

VANESSA- Thanks, Kyle though I can be a bitch sometimes.

KYLE- Oh all women are, but Mahsa and Omarosa are seriously bitches ALL THE TIME!

STEPHANIE- Oh yeah, " I prosecute drug offenders" seriously what a %^&ing bitch.

KYLE- Agreed, I think right now we should make this Final 3, and stick together to the very end.

VANESSA- Absolutely, but we need to have 2 more right?

KYLE- Yeah I been thinking about that. I was gonna say Brent because he ain't going anywhere for awhile.

STEPHANIE- Yeah he'd be good to have, Andy is weirdo and Rose hardly talks, she just walks around coughing and sneezing

KYLE- yeah man that bitch is not healthy, and we can't tell Andy anything he has a huge mouth. So I think we gotta go with Marcel. We just can't let anyone it's the 3 of us to the end.

[Quentin Tarantino]

Challenge 1


JEFF PROBST- Welcome to your first immunity challenge. Today this is what you covet



Here's how the challenge will work. On my go 6 of you race to your station to build your hook and use that hook to grab the bag of puzzle pieces. You will only be as fast as your slowest member grabbing the puzzle pieces. Afterwards, the remaining 3 tribe members will work together to solve the Jigsaw puzzle using the pieces.

In addition, you are playing for reward!



Fire in the form of flint!


Zarnoff

Curtis, Kristina and Francesca decide to do the Jigsaw

Svedka:

Andy, Rose and Marcel work on the Jigsaw


The other 6 tribe members on each tribe run to their individualized stations to make their puzzle piece grabbing hooks.

AVGN is frustrated trying to hook his puzzle pieces and screams expletives the whole challenge



Alex is unable to read the instruction to even build the hook and is taking forever to make it.


Curtis, Fran and Kris are screaming at the 2 of them to hurry up.

Meanwhile on the other tribe, which have all their puzzle pieces already

ANDYMAN- Step away!!! Let me do it!!! I am amazing at Jigsaw puzzles. I do 5,000 Amanda Kimmel Jigsaws every day.

Despite the slow start, Andyman's hijacking of of the jigsaw puzzle slows the entire Svedka tribe to a halt, giving Zaranoff a chance to take the lead. With a little assistance from Fran and Kris, Curtis solves the Jigsaw puzzle

JEFF PROBST- ZARANOFF WINS IMMUNITY!!

After the celebration on Zaranoff, they walk proudly back home to camp. Svedka on the other hand is another story.

JEFF PROBST- Andyman, do you regret trying to do that whole Jigsaw by yourself? Why didn't you accept assistance from your tribemates

ANDYMAN- Because they weren't doing it right! I have practiced doing Jigsaw puzzles for hours I am an expert at doing them as fast as possible they didn't know what they were doing!

*Rose and Marcel roll their eyes*

JEFF PROBST- well regardless of whose to fault, the fact of the matter is you guys have a date with me at Tribal Council where one of you will have the distinction of being the first person voted off Survivor Russia.

[Quentin Tarantino]

BACK AT CAMP ON SVEDKA


Kyle, Brent, Marcel, Vanessa, Omarosa, Mahsa and Stephanie surprising all decided to talk openly about the vote since it seemed pretty obvious. Andyman was in the shelter crying, Rose was on the otherside laying down since she felt sick.

KYLE- I think for the good of the tribe, Andyman has to go. He is just an emotional cancer on all of us

BRENT- Yeah I have to agree, Rose is sick but maybe she will get better, at least she isn't sabotaging the challenges for us.

MARCEL- He would not let me help with the jigsaw, when I even put my hand anywhere near it he'd push it away immediately. I don't know who the hell he thinks he is.



TRIBAL COUNCIL 1

after the ceremonial lighting of the torches, Jeff Probst begins his questioning.

JEFF PROBST- Brent, this early into the game, how do you base your vote?



BRENT- it really has to be based on the challenges and how they fit into the tribe

JEFF- Andyman, do you feel you should take any responsible for your team's loss today

ANDYMAN- Absolutely not! I tried my hardest in the challenge today its not my fault that Marcel and Rose could not do a jigsaw puzzle!

JEFF- Wow, I just saw eye rolls from about half the tribe. Anyone care to reply to what Andy said?



MARCEL- Yes in fact, that jigsaw puzzle was not meant to be done by one person, it was meant for 3 people. If he had allowed us to work together on it we would have won no problem. WE HAD THE LEAD ON THE OTHER TRIBE WE SHOULD NOT BE HERE RIGHT NOW

ROSE- I have to agree with Marcel. I am no slouch at Jigsaw puzzles myself Andy, you should know that and you should have let me help you.

ANDYMAN- OMG she speaks. All I can say is F^** you Rose. You always hated me, you always made fun of the love of life. You acted like my friend than lied to me, I know you were planning on making sure I went home first the very second you saw me.

OMAROSA- Maybe Andy if you actually could work with other people you'd be better off.

ANDYMAN- OMFG!!! and this is coming from Omarosa, giving me advice about how to work with people! Yes and your the f#$%ing expert on working well with others.



MAHSA- You know what Andy if you could admit when you're wrong sometimes maybe people would like you better. As it stands right now it would be an INJUSTICE if you were not voted off today


*KYLE, VANESSA, STEPHANIE ARE HOLDING BACK THEIR LAUGHTER DURING THIS WHOLE CHARADE*

ANDYMAN- You know what, fuck you all if you don't like me. I fucking quit. Amanda isn't even here and I am not going to put up with people that hate me and make fun of me for 39 days.



OMAROSA- 39 days?! you were going to be voted off tonight, the funny thing is you were too dense to even see that. Its pathetic

JEFF- Andy may I ask, is it official, are you quitting?

ANDYMAN- Yes Jeff, I can't spend another minute with these people. I'll win every Redemption island Duel and join the other tribe at the merge! I will make Amanda proud of me.

JEFF- OK, ANDYMAN, its official, you are out of the tribe, but you will have a chance to re-enter this game through Redemption Island. For the rest of you, having come to tribal council, you also get to have flint to make a fire. Maybe now your tribe will be more unified.